This is the hardest blog post I have ever written. But I have to write it. It has remained unwritten for too long, left unsaid for an uncomfortable amount of years, yet what is contained within this post may be even more uncomfortable out than in.
I toyed with starting an anonymous blog, but that wouldn’t be the point. This is me, I want to say this stuff. This is what has so often stopped me blogging in the past, lest I say too much. But for now I will do my best to put the emotions to one side for later consideration. For now it is just the facts.
And, yes, I’m stalling.
Because I can hear my own heart beating. Because I know what has to come next. Because I know I’ve got this far into this post and can’t stop now.
I’ve never been one for ripping off the whole plaster in one painful swipe, let’s start at the beginning and pick off a corner…
Some (about 5) years ago having decided we’d been trying for a while with no result I went to the doctor for some tests to see why I wasn’t getting pregnant. I did not have any problems with my thyroid, and after some discussions of other symptoms I was referred to a fertility specialist at my local hospital.
After a long wait and two operations I was diagnosed with endometriosis (which had been suspected all along) and referred to the assisted fertility department. Another long wait, and some fertility treatment followed.
This brings us up to February of last year. The treatment hadn’t worked and it was time for full sacle IVF. The first round of IVF seemed to have gone well, I took a positive pregnancy test around this time last year, and we had a few hours of head-spinning thoughts of parenthood before the bleeding started.
The early misscarriage took about two weeks before the clinic gave up on the sesame seed-sized blob on the ultrasound. I stopped taking my injections and pills full of hormones and we let go. Another round of IVF over Christmas resulted in a negative pregnancy test and that brings us up to date.
At some point before the end of the year we will go through a third round of IVF.
Until then we are going to enjoy our summer and try not to think about any of it.
That’s all I can type for now. I need to hit “Publish” before I chicken out.